I read in a magazine today that you can buy a little computer chip and have it planted in your pet, so that if the pet gets lost you can find it. This service costs less than $40!

I find this a bit freaky and bizarre since let’s face it, when are humans, as employees, lovers, ex-convicts, or what have you, going to be injected with this chip? Probably sooner than we think.

Even though it totally freaks me out I can’t help but think about productive and useful ways we can use the implanted chip.

For instance. I have been reading practically on an hourly basis of all the pickpocketing and petty crime in Spain. I remember back in 1998, before my first trip to Italy, being fearful of all the petty crime in Italy because I had read about it hourly for six months before I actually went. Now, of course, I have been to Italy and occasionally witnessed petty crime and even fended off an robbery attempt by pretending to hurl a bag with four bottles of wine in it at the would-be robber and then running away really fast (with the wine, of course, do you think I would really throw away WINE?)

Even though I now saunter carelessly through petty crime ridden Rome and Florence carrying a backpack or purse (gasp) and have never once worn a money belt (you can?t be serious! No way! Double gasp) I find myself feeling a bit fretful about the petty crime in Spain. Chalk it up to inexperience I guess.

But, eh, where was I?

Oh yeah. The implanted chip. If they can put a chip in a live creature, why can’t they put a chip in my rolling suitcase? My purse? My camera? Seriously, with the right technology we could wipe out all the petty crime in Europe. With the chip (as I see it), you install it, and then transmit the information to some great purse/wallet/suitcase data center in the sky. If your purse/wallet or whatever is stolen, it can be tracked by the proper authorities wherever you are. Can you imagine, you are at a flea market, and suddenly you notice your wallet is gone! Instead of turning red and helplessly moaning, uh, HELP! you can simply press a button on the special, police summoning talisman that you wear around your neck (the talisman comes with the chip, obviously, all part of the package) and suddenly the horrible robbers are being chased by Barcelona’s finest, and they catch them and give you back your wallet, and you can go and eat some tapas.

It would be nice, but now that I think about it, any chip that tracks anything is way too weird. Instead, everyone should wear super tight pants. Yes, super tight pants and purses with zippers but no zipper openers. Everyone should dress like a punk rocker – that’ll get rid of the petty crime. One need not risk the breakage of four bottles of wine, after all.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004 at 8:53 pm and is filed under How do I get there, from here?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.