In this months Food and Wine Magazine there is an article about Top Chef and a little contest between four of the chefs – Sam, Cliff, Betty and Elia.

I pray these aren’t the final four. Betty and Elia? Yick.

If they are the final four, then this season is not just Beyond Lame, it is Uber Beyond Lame, also Pukealicios.

I guess tonight it might be Mike that gets the boot, despite Anthony Bourdain’s homeboy handshake last week. But I oh, so wish it will be Betty or Elia. Next time I go to Lodi (and yes, I DO go to Lodi) I want to stop by Wine and Roses or wherever he is currently working and buy Michael a beer. And I’ll also buy hometown boy Frankie the Bull a beer, if he ever writes to me again (he did write once to tell me that he drinks Miller Lite and that he is not a dork.)

Those guys probably won’t make it. And neither will Marcel, who probably should have won last week. I wonder if Elia’s winning mushroom soup makes green bean casserole even better? Cutting edge. Yeah, right.

Let’s hope it gets better.

Today was one of those days where I ask myself: doesn’t Christmas suck? This is my busiest month and it is crazy and I make good money and everything but damn if it doesn’t just totally burn me out. I get sick of talking to people. Some lowly sales clerk at one of my accounts was a little short with me today (“what do you think of this book?” My contact asked him. “I don’t think there is much there.” Lowly sales clerk said. “Yeah, but they are SELLING.” I say.) Upended back-hairs and borderline dirty looks ensued. Tis the season. I can’t blame the guy for acting like a dickhead, as he has been having to explain why young, expensive Cabernet Sauvignon might not be the best choice to go with turkey and stuffing or oyster stew or whatever to way too many people in the past couple of weeks. And I can’t blame myself either, because I have been working this account for fifteen years. Fifteen Fucking Years! I know what sells there, believe me. I have gone through the first three weeks of December – AKA Hell – for fifteen years straight, except for when I took a break to start my own catering company but then also moonlighted at another kind of hell, the Williams-Sonoma call center. Even when I lived in Italy I came home just before Christmas and went to work packing orders for the rep who was handling my territory while I was gone.

It’s so exhausting. Also I think I might need glasses. Everytime I drive for more than an hour or so I get a headache. Does that mean I need glasses? At first I thought it was from playing Sonic Youth or Spoon too loud but today I was listening to a learn-German tape so that can’t be it. Unless both loud music AND German gives me a headache. Today I learned some cool stuff, like how to go to a pharmacy and ask for some toe plaster in German. I kid you not. There is a plaster you can buy should you get a stubbed toe.

I do have something remotely interesting to write and that is this (especially for my readers who know her): I got an email from Lisa Doucette and she is living in NEW ZEALAND! Lisa is one of my best friends ever but she moved to Vancouver a few years ago with her husband and kid and we lost touch. I wrote to her a week or so ago and her email got bounced back – because they are in friggen New Zealand! Now with two kids. Thankfully she got a bee in her bonnet to write me just after I unsuccessfully wrote her. Her husband Andy is working for… OK this is how exhausted I am, I can’t even think of the name of that Hobbit director dude. Anyhow. Lisa and Andy are blogging about their new life in New Zealand and it is hella cool. I’ve always wanted to go there, and now I HAVE to! Check it out.

New Zealand sure is lucky.

First things first – today is the second anniverary of The OB Vine! Crazy to think that exactly two years ago, I managed to wander in to be the second customer (who was the first one? Can we cancel him out?) after many months of waiting. And now, the whole crew and the bar itself has become such a part of my life. It is remarkable, really. One day you are in a one place (in my case, a very solitary one), the next day you are in a totally different place, a better one. And that is because of The Vine and the people I have met there.

Second thing – Happy Thanksgiving. This is an American holiday, but with a sentiment I try to acheive every day. I am incredibly lucky and truly thankful every day. Regardless of the fucked-upness of the world in general, things and events I see daily remind me that there is a lot of beauty, love and compassion in the world. Maybe I am an optimist, maybe I am just blind, or stupid. But if you can take that love, even if it is blind, and spread it, well.. maybe you can shift everything from bad, to good.

I love my family and want to tell Jay, Carrie, Ryan, Tom, and my mom, Connie, that if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t be writing this mushy stuff right now. You are the best family ever. Kasch and Antonia, I can’t wait for you to come here and hang out with us and I am oh, so happy that you will be here.

And then there are my friends. I have SUCH AWESOME FRIENDS. Colleen, you fucking rock and I would take a bullet for you. If there are things to be thankful for, it is friends like you. Leigh and Laurie, Chad, Ariane, Lisa, Prentiss… you are all family to me even though you don’t live close to me anymore. No matter what though, you will be family forever.

My friends at home, my new home: well let’s just say life in OB is good, but wouldn’t be quite so good without you. Mark, Andy, Cheryl, Brian and Hannah, Margaret and Bob, the cast and crew of The Vine…

And then there my internet family from slowtalk. Who aren’t really an internet family since I have met and partied with quite a few of them. It’s a pretty awesome group – one that was enriched my life immensely.

It’s so crazy. I am living alone and have been for some time but to be totally honest, I feel totally surrounded by people and energy all the time. I am lucky. I am thankful. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

I been in the right place but it must have been the wrong time
I’d of said the right thing but I must have used the wrong line
I been in the right trip but I must have used the wrong car
My head was in a bad place and I’m wondering what it’s good for

Right Place, Wrong Time
Dr. John

Yeah. Last night, finally, the judges on Top Chef did what they were suppose to do – give exit papers to someone who can’t deal, can’t cook, or can’t whatever. Unfortunately, our favorite lesbian big sister Josie was in the wrong place at the right time. And she is history. At least for now.

Marisa is off too, and frankly, she looked like she was ready to get the hell out of there. Betty is looking Midgleyish with her doe-in-the-headlights look and excrutiatingly apparent “maybe I’m not as great as I thought” aroma.

Sam, he’s a hot diabetic. Whatever. He’s boring. Sorry Sam, but when I read on Blogging Top Chef that one of your favorite movies is Karate Kid, and another is Great Expectations (one assumes, the Ethan Hawke/Gwenyth Paltrow masterpiece version) – well, there’s clearly less to you than meets the eye. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride – that must suck. But I am sure you will go far in the end.

To be totally honest, I am sort of like Tom Colicchio – I’m Getting Grumpy. I mean, wha the fa?

I did predict a tripe challenge at the beginning – and the quickfire last night did involve tripe, but no one took that one on. Let’s see an ALL TRIPE challenge, and see how things evolve from there.

I am in the Dade County, Miami Beach library and I only have 12 minutes so this is going to be Really Fast.

Miami trips me out. It is flat and there is a lot of traffic and there is quite a bit of money flashing going on. I know there are some bad, bad areas not to go into but I didn’t go into them, not even when I was lost, so I don’t know what up down there. Had a bit of a tripper this morning at my hotel – last night when I checked in I saw immediately that I was overlooking a ginormous construction site. So I went back down and I was like, is that construction going to be loud? Because if so, please move me. But the guy told me they rarely work, or if they do not until 9 or 10 o’clock. Whateves, it’s a Latin kind of a place, maybe this is the case.

But no, at 7 AM the construction is going and it is LOUD. I mean, they are building a freekin skyscaper. You get the idea. So I go downstairs and after a bit of time I get the guy to move me. Which is all fine and great, except that both keys – for my old room and my new room – work on my new room. In other words, I can get into either room with either key. Umm. That is weird. At least I have a deadbolt.

Seven minutes so I just have to touch on Top Chef for a minute. I got in last night about eight and lo and fucking behold they have Bravo on my TV! I was all bummed because I was going to miss it, and then I didn’t have to. As for the outcome of last night, well, I am not sure what to think there.

Mike and his Snickers Cheeto thing – what is up with that guy? I mean, that was really, really lame. Shit, if all you have to do is puree a Snickers bar and stick a Cheeto into it, then I could be on Top Chef. Also, if I hear “I miss my wife” one more time…

I wasn’t too happy with the outcome of the whole thing – the “no one is going home” thing. So, because Sam and Betty are both favorites, they decide not to send one of them home? That is lame. I like Sam and all but he clearly should have been the one to leave since he was the leader of the lamest team. As for Betty – I am not so sure I believe all her wide-eyed innocence. But who knows what goes on behind the scenes.

If Mike had messed up or Marcel had cheated, you can bet they would have been booted. Weird stuff.

OK… that was the fastest entry I ever wrote and now I gotta gooooooo…..

I am tired but it is done:

Thank the fucking gods. Yo, all you who want to a) write about food or b) think it’s really fun or c) think you’ll make a lot of money or d) would like to self publish a book. I’ve got news for you: it is hard, it is time consuming, it is expensive, and also, it takes all the fun out of life. There. I said it.

Anyhow, it is done, and in the end, if it helps even twenty people to find some great food, killer wine bars, and awesome times in Venice, then, well, it is all worth it (I guess.) In a nutshell, my version of a Jeff Spicoli-esque plug.

In other news. Due to exhaustion, I haven’t been feeling up to much. It’s funny though, because I have a feeling that all I have really been missing is my on and off infatuation with Britt Daniel. Sometimes I forget about him now, and this is totally horrifying to me. I think it is these moments (the non-Britt ones) that I am at my most bored and lethargic. Not even Top Chef can rile me up at these times, and that is sad.

But in the end, I still love, love, love Britt Daniel. You know those ads on TV for that movie Stranger than Fiction with Emma Thompson and Will Farrell? That music – that killer song – on that ad is SPOON.

Yes. They are on the verge of superstardom… they are almost as big as Wilco… and soon there will be a million Britt loving wanabees… and I will go to Spoon shows and will have to squish and shove and say, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, I WAS HERE FIRST. BIYATCH.

Whatever. I’ll never grow up. In the meantime, for my listening pleasure, and yours if you want it, is a New Tune from Spoon.

Yep. It’s not the Beast and Dragon Adored… not yet… but it is awesome, and the best possible cure for this tired girl.

One of the most hilarious videos ever made by one of the greatest American bands ever, Yo La Tengo.

Happy Weekend to you all.

Is it just me or, is the new season of Top Chef kind of BORING? They are trying hard to create a lot of drama, but it’s a bit of a yawn, really. No wonder Marisa had to pose practically nude with that gas torch. She has to keep the memory of herself alive somehow, since even the show itself is having a hard time doing it, after just three episodes, one of which she was the villain.

Ok, so it’s not totally boring. It’s just Missing Something. Like someone snorting coke in the walk-in or some male-on-male flirting action a la Harold and Stephen in early season one. I miss Dave’s facial twitch. Betty’s wholesome, wide-eyed girly vehemance is starting to really get on my nerves.

Emily choked hard tonight and was given the big fat boot because of too much salt and too little mascara. In a room full of borings, she was ugly AND boring, and also said she hated kids and said some lady who didn’t like her “calming” chocolate ice cream had a fat ass. We all knew she’d be the one to go. Frank will be around for at least two more showdowns due to mere camp value (what the fuck was that on his plate? It was kind of awesome in it’s awfulness) and Michael will be around just so he can really start to cry instead of just being on the verge all the time.

I still love Sam though I have to say, he is also boring and his hair is freakin wacky. I am in the minority though, because here is what is going on hits-wise on my blog stats:

People are very curious about Ilan. He is far and away the number one dude as far as people looking for info go.

Running a not-so-close second is Elia. Suyai is third even though she was off in the first episode.

Marisa, Frank, Marcel and Otto are all somewhere in the middle. Kind of weird, I would have thought Marisa would be getting more attention due to the fact that she is ho-ing herself and is also, kind of an asshole. Josie is right below them.

At the very bottom are Mia, Cliff, Betty, Carlos, Sam and Mike, Poptarticus-Stats wise. But for Sam and Michael this is partly due to the fact that I mispelled their names initally. Who knows though, how all this stat stuff really works. Also, it’s very possible that Ilan is googling himself every five minutes.

Fish tacos? Boring. Bacon ice cream? Not even weird enough not to be boring. Why am I so bored? Bring on the eye-gropage. Something must be done.