I love Jeff Tweedy, and I hate when people act like assholes at shows. (Or, are just assholes that happen to be at a show that you are also at.) With those two things in mind, please read on.

In a posting on Danny Miller’s blog, which I also love (it is definitely my favorite blog, the man is a great writer, and funny, and too smart but it’s OK because he’s so funny) he just wrote about the Jeff Tweedy show in L.A. He is Jeff Tweedy’s brother-in-law, which is probably how I found his blog in the first place. Anyway, the entry is all about celebrities and whatever, but there is some stuff in there about Jeff’s hushing of a woman who talked during his San Diego show. Apparently Jeff was pretty nasty about it all (I got that from other resources, not from Danny’s blog.) Jeff’s rant affected some of his fans the way the talking chick affected Jeff. So…

I have to admit that, even being an uber-fan of Wilco, Jeff’s comments during shows have often made me cringe. He’s just kind of a weenie on stage sometimes. I guess I notice it more because I really care, and I don’t want anyone to put themselves in a bad spot. Of course, the music always makes up for it, and ultimately, I am on Jeff’s side when it comes to the audience talking/being-the-assholes-that-they-are. So, I’ve compiled this list of questions and guidelines, for me, for Jeff, and for all the people who go to shows who are really going for the music. In a perfect world, every attendee would be given this list before entrance to the venue and if they don’t measure up, well, Sayonara, muthafucka.

1) What are you here for? Is it the music, or is it because you want to see-and-be-seen? Because if it is the latter, you can do that a lot more cheaply at the mall.

2) We have one very simple rule at a concert and that is: DON’T TALK DURING THE SHOW. Just, don’t friggin’ talk. Bottom line. We know that you’ve got a lot to say, but save it for the other 9.34 hours of your day when you don’t risk dirty looks from other concert attendees (not that you give a shit) or berating from a band member (which is a little scary, also, embarrassing.) Believe me, you don’t want Jeff Tweedy to get mad. Also, if you are Danny Miller, you can talk but not in an Acoustic Sweet Spot. And if you are me you can quietly bark drink orders. Other than that, shut the fuck up.

3) A simple questionaire regarding cell phones.
Should I, when packing a cell-phone at a concert:
a) turn it off
b) answer it and scream into it several times before I finally figure out I can’t hear what the other person is saying
c) text message all my friends and tell them where I am
d) text message Dan Savage and ask him why my lover keeps bringing up Pygmies
e) use it to film really bad video clips to put up on youtube.com
f) use it to call my attendee-mate when I get up in the middle of the show to get a Red Bull & Vodka but can’t find my way back to my seat in the dark
Answer:
a.) Turn it off. And this is coming from someone who actually watches bad cell-phone videos on youtube. Cell phones at a show equal you don’t really give a fuck about the music.

4) More Cell-phone information: you, the attendee, are allowed two cell-phone photos before you turn the phone off, because we understand you want people to know you were there and/or need some photos, however shitty, for your blog. But turn the motherfucker off after those two photos, or everyone will hate you. Also, Jeff Tweedy might get mad.

5) Don’t push your way up to the front of the venue to start a mosh pit during a totally inappropriate song (in Tweedy’s case, “Muzzle of Bees”), then try to crowd surf and fall down and break your wrist. Mosh pits are for punk rock shows and fifteen year olds, not for indie shows, and not for thirty year olds who have to blow off steam because they haven’t been laid in a year.

6) Don’t push your way up to the front of the venue to dance/pogo to the first lively number that is played (in Tweedy’s case, “I’m the Man Who Loves You”) then, at the first hint of mellowness, push your way back out for another Red Bull and Vodka.

7) For celebrities only: Name the four Beatles. You have to name all four, not just the one who is related to Stella McCartney.

8) For the Greek Theater only: Do not, under any circumstances, bring your garlic fries to your seat and eat them while the performance is on. This is the absolutely most horrific thing you could do to your fellow attendees. Also, if they are particularly pungent, Jeff Tweedy might get mad. Don’t risk it.

9) Listening to live music can be an enlightening, transcendental experience. Try to break out of your mindset and let it in, whether you have to tune in to the music, or tune people out.

I welcome any and all comments and suggestions about how we might make the live music experience better for Jeff, and for us. Just don’t ask that people sit down the whole way though the show, because that is one idea that doesn’t mesh with the rock ‘n’ roll experience.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 15th, 2006 at 5:39 pm and is filed under Adventures in Rock and Roll. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.