Powder Vision
January 29th, 2006 | Posted by Shannon
I had one of those dreams this morning. I’ve been longing for one, but I have to say, this one left me feeling more hungry and alone than I would like to admit. After all, these days, I am the lone traveler, the one who says I don’t need anybody, the girl who flies solo.
It’s all about touch, in the end, and all kinds of other bizarreness that only a dream can bring out.
It was so real. I’m with a guy, a much younger guy, one who is untouchable and who, to date, I have had no desire to even think about that way. We are in his house on Potrero Hill and we have a shitload of cocaine. I don’t remember doing drugs in the night, all I remember is waking up in the same room as him, in seperate beds. But he comes to me and he has the most amazing back. I ran my hands all over his back, trying to get the tension out, and if I could only remember the sensation of running my hands over a back that I only felt in a dream for the rest of my life, I could be slightly happy. Well, maybe not, because now I want to feel a back like that in real life.
It’s morning in the dream, and he is gone, because he has a girlfriend and they are going skiing. He goes to the shower and I find, on the kitchen counter, a big pile of cocaine. It is yellowish-white, crumbly, dense. Perfect. I take a fingernail and scoop it into my nose. Even in a dream, I can smell it, feel it, taste it in the back of my throat. I am hiding, and lusting. All I want is twenty-four hours, in bed, with that back. I don’t need anything, but I need that back. And why cocaine? I haven’t done any in a million years, and have zero desire to do so, but it sure did taste good in my dream.
I’ve been longing for that kind of intense experience in the other world, and I love it when it comes to me. I always want what I can’t have and long for what is bad for me. But in a dream, I only get the best of the destruction.
I’m kind of in love and it is affecting me. I am hurtling through space, and it is affecting me.
