Christmas in August
December 15th, 2006 | Posted by Shannon
Look closely at this picture (which I stole from Lee Anne Wong’s blog.) Note the wine glass full of water in Marcel’s wine glass. Water? Water? Eh… maybe NOT water. Maybe, SMIRNOFF VODKA. Since Smirnoff seemed to be product placement #3 on Wednesday’s Top Chef (after Bailey’s and Parrot Bay whatever Rum) Marcel must have figured he deserved to pour a half fifth straight down his throat.
I guess it COULD be water. When I watched it, I was like what the hell are they all drinking water out of wine glasses for? Then it dawned on me – oh, no wine at this “holiday party.”
One wonders if the copious vodka swallowing had anything to do with Mia’s transformation into crazy black mama who’s gonna kick yous ass. But before we get into that…
This was a good episode of Top Chef with a real humdinger of a finale and for that, I am very grateful. They had a team challenge, and the challenge was a good one – make a spread of cocktail snacks for 200 people at a “holiday” party. Only, it wasn’t a holiday when they filmed – it was friggen August. Still, all through the episode everyone goes on about the HOLIDAYS. And pretends that it REALLY IS CHRISTMAS. Over and over, on and on, to the point where I found myself screaming at the TV “do you think we are FUCKING MORONS? We know it is NOT REALLY CHRISTMAS, PEOPLE.”
At any rate. There are two teams – one that works together (Betty, her hormones seemingly in check; Sam, boring as ever and with his hair getting way too bunnified; good ol’ steady Ilan; and Crazy Little Brother Marcel) and one that pretends to get along but really doesn’t (boring old Cliff who all of a sudden seems like Dr. Evil; Elia who doesn’t realize Dr. Evil is planning some, um, evilness; Mike who should just go ahead and get B for Baffled tattooed on his forehead; and Mia, who could have maybe combated Dr. Evil and saved a sinking ship.)
BSIM kicks ass with lots of food (thirteen dishes!) that looks cool and I guess, tastes pretty good. CEMM makes FOUR dishes and their table is a paltry, sad affair. It is an embarrassment. Poor Mia had been concerned that her rep as a caterer would be hindered if they couldn’t pull it off. And not only did they NOT pull it off, but they couldn’t even do that very well. To see Elia wandering around completely clueless as to how bad they were doing, and Mikey skulking back and forth with an empty tray… well, at least, THROW something at each other to make the lameness more palatable. This IS reality TV, after all.
Meanwhile, Dr. Evil, he of the Mr. Clean bald head and earrings and a squished, nasty looking turtle neck (is your head too heavy, dude?) stands around with his arms crossed watching the carnage. I didn’t even think of it, it took someone else to point it out to me (thanks Kim) but Cliff planned the disaster… to get rid of Elia.
Then Mia stepped in and said, “oh no Dr. Evil, you aren’t going to ruin the chances of this young genius who hopefully some day will have her own restaurant!”
Actually she didn’t say it quite like that. What she really said was stuff like “put your dick away, dude!” and “send my black ass home, I don’t give a shit!” She got all ghetto and shit, it was crazy. Then she went on for a while about homelessness and crack, among other things.
But whateves, regardless of the ghetto-ization of situation, the fact remains that Mia stepped down and let Elia stay, thereby foiling the nastyassness of Cliff, which makes me happy. Also, I am sure I will be using Miaisms far into the future (“I don’t give a black bone” even though I have white bones, and so does she) because they were sparkling nuggets of goodness on a bland palate. Fueled by Smirnoff? Quite possibly.
I have many tortures in mind for icky old Cliff. Tortilla press. Sausage Attachment. Meat Thermometer. But I think the damage has been done, and we can thank Mia for that.
