Land of the Un-Hip
June 3rd, 2006 | Posted by Shannon
I am in Portland. I got here last night and to be totally honest it would have been better to get here today. Last night was, kind of, well, lame. I don’t know where I got it in my head that Portland is this uber-cool city with a fantastic bistro on every corner.
I had to go through Oakland and had over an hour to kill so I went to the bar, which was packed and had a slow-as-molassas server. I mean, she was SLOW. After twenty minutes I got a drink, but in the meantime struck up a conversation from some businessman from Seattle. “Service with a smile,” he said. “I don’t care if there is a smile as long as there is service,” I said. Well this comment was going to bite me in the ass later.
In the seventh grade, in social studies, we had this project to design a city. In the city I designed, the airport was outside the city and there was a train connecting the airport to the city. Now for me, having only been to the airports in San Francisco and Orange County, this was pretty cool thinking, I thought. I didn’t know other cities actually have this. And if there is one really great thing about flying into Portland Airport, it is that you can walk out the door and get on a light rail that takes you right into town. The thing dropped me off in front of my hotel! Awesome.
I didn’t get here until almost nine and I was starving, so I immediately went out to eat something. There is a giant mall across the street. A MALL. Where am I again? The girl at the front desk had given me a really horrible mimeographed map of the area with all manner of fast food places on it. Quigno’s subs? Not. So I walked past the mall trying to find something else. I passed an Applebees that was packed. “No way” I said to myself. “I am NOT eating at fucking Applebees.” Do you sometimes feel that the hip neighborhood is very close, that if you maybe walk two more blocks there it would be, but in which direction? That is how I felt last night.
Finally I found a street with some coffeeshops and a pizza place and a pasta restaurant. The pasta place looked pretty good so I went in. Everything on the menu looked really good. And the server was not only great, he was also smiling. He did everything absolutely perfectly (like get me a second glass of wine right when the first was done, and not fire my pasta until my salad was done, because I eat slow). So when my pasta came out and it was total crap, I couldn’t send it back. Unfortunately, I had let him choose for me. It sounded good – linguini with marsala and cream, tomatoes and mushrooms. But it tasted like plain pasta. I couldn’t taste any marsala or cream, all I could taste was stale pasta water. I dumped half a pound of Parmesan cheese on it and that made it at least edible. Leaving there, I walked back past the Applebees, which was still packed. “Oh how I wish I would have eaten at fucking Applebees,” I thought.
The night wasn’t a total loss. Franz Ferdinand was on Austin City Limits and they were AWESOME. I always wondered what the big deal was about that band and now I know. I am gonna go and buy all their records.
I guess there is a carnival by the river today. I am going to try to go there. I saw it on the news, because they were showing how everyone is getting their bags searched before entry. “Makes everyone feel much safer” one dude said. “No one will get their pockets picked now.” Huh? How did that one make it past the cutting room floor?
Somewhere there is a great wine bar calling my name… I just have to find it.
