I have never, ever been into reality TV (except for maybe that brief exploration of Bobby Brown Territory). Until now. Now, I am totally fascinated, all of a sudden, by the crazy, messed up, marred-with-cuss-words glimpse of both the bright and dark sides of the food business – Top Chef.

Inevitably I am always one of the last to find out about something really cool. Well, actually, I DID see an episode a couple of weeks ago, and sort of got into it. But last week when I was in San Francisco at my old pad with Leigh and Laurie, they were like “have you seen Top Chef? YOU should BE in Top Chef.” So this week I have been watching all the episodes, and this is easy, because they are on, like, all the time. At least this week they were.

Anyhow. For the uninitiated, this is a show that pits people against each other in a culinary environment. The people, and the environment (or, I guess, the challenges faced) are both a little wacked. Let’s see… cook a bunch of really hard dishes, for a wedding of two dudes named Scott and Scott, in less than 24 hours. Or create a restaurant concept, the dining room, food, and wine, for less than a thousand dollars. Or make a palatable dish out of ingredients found in a gas station mini mart (the one thing I might have been able to pull off.)

For anyone ever remotely interested in food it is pretty cool stuff. For anyone that ever stepped foot in a restaurant, even as a dishwasher, it is totally riveting.

The contestants on this show are funny.

Miguel is long gone but I was sort of sad to see him go, just for the “I am going to kill you” squinty eyes everytime someone dissed on him.

Of course I want Harold to win.

Though his whining through so many challenges (“I am a CHEF. I am not happy about trying to cook with popcorn”) sort of bugs a little, let’s face it, he is a cool guy who gets along with everyone, his food always looks awesome, he says “va fangool” all the time, and he is good looking too. He even got along with Stephen. Now I know everyone hates Stephen and he is kind of a tool on the show but I sort of liked him just because he was so bizarre. He reminds me of so many wine nerds who don’t realize there is another, more real world outside the wine one. The guy is only 24 years old. Let the real world toss him around a little, and not the reality TV world. If there is one person from Top Chef that I would love to sit at a bar with for a few hours (besides Harold) it would be Stephen. All you would have to do is say, “Stephen, tell us a little about yourself.” That would be good for HOURS of entertainment.

Plus, homeboy looks like a young Mickey Rourke.

Last night’s episode was one of the best so far. There are only four people left. And they are going to Napa to match a meal using truffles to a bottle of Shafer Cabernet.

Who’s left? Dave, Tiffani, Lee Anne and Harold. Three of them get to go to the finale at the end. Who deserves to win? Let’s just say that at the end, one that deserves to win, is not going to win. And one that totally does NOT deserve to win, is going to win.

Tiffani, even though she is a bitch, does deserve to go on to the finale. She is like the female version of Stephen. Last night was pretty telling. When they were tasting some of the Shafer Cab to see what to cook with it, she actually said “I like this wine. It has nice LEGS.” She said it without even looking at it. Does she think you TASTE the legs? It was clear she didn’t have a clue. But whateves, she is a talented cook and she definitely deserves to be one of the winners.

Dave. Oh, Dave. You got here by luck, homeboy. Luck and by being the front of the house in the restaurant concept episode. You big, teary-eyed queen you! And last night, maybe without even knowing it, you put yourself into the pocket of all those Napa Valley chefs by making their favorite food: Macaroni & Cheese.

I was just in Napa last week, and they had Macaroni and Cheese everywhere, even the continental breakfast at the Travelodge in downtown Napa. Well, not really, but you get the idea. In the Napa Valley, Mac and Cheese is sort of like those wine stoppers with the golfers on top. And Dave, harried queen of the soggy nacho, serves up some Mac and Cheese with a whole truffle at the bottom of each dish. And WINS. He’s going to Vegas. Because of Macaroni and Cheese. Awesome.

Poor Lee Anne. She SO deserved to be one of the winners.

Next week, there are casting calls for the next season of Top Chef, in Las Vegas, where I will just happen to be. But I could never be on this show. Brian from The Vine could be on this show. Brian, in fact, would be PERFECT. He’s got the talent, the balls, the experience, and the tattoos. Also, the confidence – or should I say, borderline arrogance – that a Top Chef needs. Think about it, Brian. You’d get a hundred grand in the end. I’ll try out if you will.

This Saturday there will be a seven-hour marathon of Top Chef. Check it out.

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 4th, 2006 at 8:47 am and is filed under Tales from a Strange Land. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.