Temporary Reality Junkie
July 14th, 2005 | Posted by Shannon
“I like to order a lot of food because, I got different tastebuds.” – Bobby Brown in a fancy London restaurant.
I hardly ever watch TV except for movies from Netflix. There is the occasional Saturday when I will watch Turner Movie Classics all day, but for that occasion I think I am paying about $90 in cable fees. I usually just watch movies from Netflix.
But Netflix is, all of a sudden, really slow. They used to ship and receive everything lightening fast. I don’t know what happened, but now there are times when I just don’t have a movie to watch, or if I have one I want to save it for the weekend.
So last night I turned on Bravo to watch Being Bobby Brown. OH MY GOD. Do you want to watch two whacked out ex-popstar ghetto freaks say some of the most bizarre shit you’ve ever heard? Then turn on Bravo this week because they are showing the first few episodes over, and over, and over.
It’s sort of hard for me to believe, but Whitney Houston is only two years older than me. I can still see her, dancing around in those bad 80’s clothes in the early days of MTV. She was squeaky clean when she was in movies like “The Preacher’s Wife.” But then she swan dived into crackdom. Everyone said it was because of her husband, but after watching this show, I think she was just a freak the whole time. Even alcohol, cocaine, and an endless supply of downs can’t make you THAT freaky. You’ve got to have acid, peyote, and maybe some ‘ludes unless you’ve got that freak gene going on from the get-go.
I guess Whitney just got out of rehab, but she still exhibits many of the signs of ex-crackdom. In one episode they are at the bar of a Chinese restaurant and she looks like she is about to start convulsing from withdrawals, but one minute later she is all happy and joking. I mean, the woman looked positively strung-out and then she is all of a sudden all happy. Hmmm… rehab, or did someone get her a little something to take the edge off?
I guess it must be hard for her, since Bobby Brown drinks heavily and constantly on the show. At one restaurant, when the entourage is leaving, he pounds a vodka on ice, and then puts down a beer, in about 45 seconds. How the hell is she suppose to kick her demons when he is still totally into his? That man would make me insane without some substance to ingest. I am serious.
The first episodes are Bobby getting out of jail and then going to court for hitting Whitney. Whitney is standin’ by her man. Bobby takes Whitney to a spa. There is a whole bizarre exchange between Bobby, Whitney, and the people massaging them (he gets a girl, she gets a guy, he don’t like that, but then they are in the same room getting massaged and it is just really, really weird). Half the time you can’t understand what they are saying, but Bravo has provided subtitles. This way, we get to know lines like “don’t smother my food with your boogies” and “can I impregnate you tonight?” Without those subtitles, those words would be lost forever.
In the third episode, Bobby and Whitney and a couple of their kids go to England. Bobby and Whitney love England “for the culture and shit” and they arrive screaming “ENGLAAAANNNDDD! ENGLAANNNDDD!” They go to Harrods and spend buttloads of money. Bobby has a fit when Whitney drags him to the children’s section to buy their daughter some clothes. “These ain’t gonna fit me!” he complains. When Whitney picks up a pair of tiny pants for their plump daughter, he says “they ain’t gonna fit her! Baby’s got BODY. Baby’s got BODY.” That kid is going to be scarred for life. She looked so sad and messed up…
Later Bobby runs into the Dalai Lama in front of their hotel. “Mr. Lama! I’m Bobby Brown!” The viewer sort of sits there and thinks, “he did not just call him Mr. Lama.” But he did!
I managed, when Netflix was operating a little better, to avoid Britney Spears reality show, and a lot of other bad TV. But I must admit that I was somewhat riveted watching Being Bobby Brown. One thing I can’t figure out though – how do they still have so much money?
After that Queer Eye for the Straight Guy came on and the straight guy was a NUDIST. Seriously that was some of the most hilarious shit I have ever seen. Carson decides to be nude too and runs around the guy’s house with him, one hand on his crotch and one hand on his breast. Then when of the other guys says, “you see, James, Carson does it right. His hair is good and he has an accessory!” Later the nudist can’t wait to strip out of his tuxedo at a party with a lot of other nudists. They all get naked and dance and the Carson and the guys are practically doubled over from revulsion/laughter. It was a good night not to have a Netflick. Seriously, if you can stomach it, turn on Bravo and you’ll be bound to see at least one episode of Being Bobby Brown.
